Well, I suck at this. Over a month since my last post, which was only my second post ever, and I am finally back to justify my absence. I could say I’ve been busy, but anyone who knows me well would laugh at that. Maybe I’ve had nothing worthy to talk about? Saying that just makes me laugh.
I can’t fall asleep at night. I have so much going on in my head that I keep myself up worrying about everything and nothing at the same time. Once the lights are turned out and the house is quiet, my life starts to fall around me in such great detail that I can’t even describe it. I see things in greater clarity, or so I think, and I lay in bed restless for hours trying to sort out how to be better tomorrow than I was today. I don’t know what it is, what bothers me so much about just being happy with who I am and what I’ve done already. I constantly want to make a mark. It’s not like I don’t have thoughts like this during the day, but once the technology and chaos of daylight dim, I am faced with the decisions, mistakes, and unfortunate events that I have encountered thus far in my life. What’s worst is that I know I’ve done good throughout my 23 years; I’ve excelled in school and athletics, I have always stayed true to myself and am honest to a fault. I like myself and what I represent, but when I lay in bed, somehow contemplating my entirety in one single moment, I don’t see those things. All I can see is what I haven’t done and the daunting realization that my dreams will remain uncharted truth as I maintain mediocrity.
This may sound harsh, but I’m starting to see that I have extremely high expectations for myself. Maybe this is why the past three years have been so rough on me, sitting on the sidelines as I watch the sport of skiing progress without me. I was supposed to be there, heading the women’s front, showing the world what we are made of and that we can keep up with the boys. Thinking that I would recover and get back out there, have a second chance to pursue my ultimate goal of excellence, has been dumb. There’s really no nice way of saying it, I am stubborn to the point where I live most of my life in a fantasy world. I let myself think about the “what-ifs”, seeing myself on the Free Ride World Tour hucking a massive cliff and skiing away with a medal and check in tow. Or skiing a powder day at Mad River with friends, pushing myself off of terrain that both scares and excites me, not worrying about the repercussions of hitting my head just one more time.
It’s time to open up, reveal my inner self, and come to face the facts. No amount of wishing will change my decisions during that epic stay at Squaw, and I need to move on. I wanted so bad to keep this dream real and alive, and have been struggling to just accept the truth: I won’t change the world. Not this time, at least. And so I continue this blog, no matter how “busy” or “boring” I may be. There is nothing anyone can do to fix me physically, to bring back my old cognitive abilities or my mental stability. What I live with is irreparable, and I have known that for some time now, but it’s time for me to finally take control. I know my limitations, and I can’t keep allowing myself to daydream of the what could have been. I still have the power of impacting the world, and this is my journey to discovering where I now want to apply it.